Holidays—Christmas, in particular—are the source of many of our sweetest memories. But in a house where Alzheimer’s lives, can Christmas bring any more happy memories?
Absolutely.Yes, our celebrations will change, in small ways or large, because of Alzheimer’s. But the love of family and friends will not change. And love is the most important ingredient in our sweetest memories.
Of course, it would be nice to see our loved ones looking and acting happy. Nice, but not necessary. Comfort is necessary. Comfort is what will keep our loved ones with us, participating as best they can in the pleasures unique to Christmas-time.
Here are a few suggestions for making an Alzheimer’s patient comfortable at holiday gatherings:
Plan small gatherings. A crowded room with lots of people talking at once can make someone with Alzheimer’s very anxious. So consider entertaining just a few family members and close friends. There’s a chance your loved one will surprise you by remembering some of your guests—by face or voice, if not by name. But it’s virtually certain he will be unsettled, maybe extremely so, if he’s in a crowd.
If possible, hold the party at the place where your loved one lives. Those are the surroundings most familiar to him, so he should be more comfortable there than anywhere else. In addition, if he would rather not participate or if he gets tired, he’ll be able to retreat to another room, close by, where you can watch and care for him without leaving the party. If it’s not possible to have the party where your loved one lives, be sure you have a plan in place in case he insists on leaving.
Be prepared to stay close by your loved one and bring an extra store of patience. There will probably be lots of questions—about the decorations, the food, the music, the people, everything.
Try not to talk around your loved one with Alzheimer’s. Include him in conversations in any way possible. Even if he can’t or won’t speak, you can acknowledge him with direct eye contact, perhaps a smile or a nod. And if he does decide to get in on the discussion, let him. If his words might make no sense, it doesn’t matter. He’s participating! What if you think he’s talking too long? Just handle it the same way you handle his conversations with the pharmacist or the cashier or the neighbor who comes for a visit.
Make sure there’s something at the party your loved one likes to eat. REALLY likes. Obviously, having him eat something nutritious before the party would be best; still, he may want to eat again if he sees others snacking. Of course you should also be prepared for him to reject whatever you offer. Remember: the focus is on comfort.Consider bringing out old photos. Even if your loved one looks at some of them every day, chances are they will provide an opportunity for him to interact with your guests.
Music sometimes helps those with Alzheimer’s to relax, especially their musical favorites from the past. Christmas carols may bring a smile to your loved one’s face; he might even hum or sing along. Just remember to keep it soft. Loud music won’t help. Even Christmas music isn’t good if it’s too loud.
What about gifts? If there’s something you know your loved one enjoys (family pictures, coins to count, puzzles, towels to fold, etc.) go for it! The gift needn’t be new; the idea is simply to have something for him to unwrap. But—another reminder of how few things are predictable in a life lived with Alzheimer’s—don’t be offended if he doesn’t like or even unwrap anything you give, no matter how “perfect” you think it is.
Relax. You have invited family and close friends. These are people you know well, people who understand the challenges you face every day. Trust your guests to understand.Look for miracles. They happen every day in the life of an Alzheimer’s patient, so watch for them—expect them—here also. Small things, like a smile, or bigger ones, like wanting to dance or sing, wanting to talk to people, enjoying a gift. And even if your loved one’s reactions are not all that you hope for, you will have kept him present in an important family gathering, present in his life.
Finally, remember to do all you can to enjoy your Christmas season, also. You need some free time. Get help—day care or home care from a volunteer or professional. Perhaps you’ll go out for coffee with a friend. Or bake. Or walk through the mall to enjoy the decorations. Or maybe you’ll take the opportunity to sit quietly and ponder the blessings that flowed from the manger of that cold stable, a manger filled with scratchy straw on which lay a King.Dear caregivers, you will pour out your lives with love on Christmas Day, as you do every day, for those you care for. Love makes memories, so do not doubt: you will make more good memories this Christmas. Lovely and sweet and lasting, they will comfort you in Christmases to come.
Sweet Lord, You came to be with us so that one day we might be with You. Help us, please, to see Your grace and truth. Help us to show Your love to those we care for in this season that celebrates Your birth.
And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth. (John 1:14 NKJV)